17 weeks feels like it came fast, yet it took forever. People make A LOT of plans in 17 weeks of pregnancy. Things like daycare, baby gear (especially when you have rid your house of virtually all of it), newborn photos, maternity leave, and nursery furniture and décor. You dream about the day when you introduce the baby to their older brothers and see your husband with another sweet baby in his arms. You consider prenatal testing, gender reveal, and baby names.
And this is why it was SO painful to find out that we were saying goodbye to all of these thoughts and dreams when we found out we lost our last baby at our 17 week prenatal appointment (in 2014).
Pregnancy after loss is beautiful, complicated, and messy. To be completely honest, I've been holding my breath, fighting fear and anxiety, and have found myself hesitant to celebrate. But the Lord is good. He knows all of these thoughts that have consumed my mind. And best of all, He sends His people to see me in this place and speak words of peace and comfort into my heart and soul and to carry us in prayer.
"Mom, I really feel like the Lord is going to bless us with this baby" was the response my 10 year old gave me when he could sense my hesitation as he talked about his excitement for his brother or sister to arrive this summer. {I just pray that the Lord would protect my children from more devastating heartache.}
"I don't have fear. I feel like God is giving us this child as a blessing we weren't necessarily expecting." Those were the words of my husband the same night my son spoke to my heart.
"Open your hands and accept the gift. Just say thank you!" A message from a woman in my bible study as she shared how the Lord truly blessed her with her 3rd child. "Ironically" this woman also shared that she was 36 (same!) when she delivered her 3rd child after a devastating miscarriage (I relate!). The ages of her other children at the time her baby arrived also happened to be 10 and 6 (that will be me toooooooo! Okay God, you are the coolest!). After we discovered that we were virtually twins, she encouraged me about the spacing in age of our children...something that I have been a little worried about too.
The beautiful women in my IF table have also been an absolute blessing on this journey. After I shared some of my thoughts and the words of my son, husband, and woman from church, one of the ladies sent me the beautiful message below from her daily devotional.
Righteous
Whenever you find a promise or blessing for the righteous in the Bible, grab hold of it by saying, “Father, I receive this blessing in Jesus’ name!”
For example, when you read in Proverbs 10:6 that blessings are on the head of the righteous, say, “Thank You, Father, this promise is for ME because I have been made righteous through faith in Jesus and His finished work!”
So every day, instead of fearing that lack will devour you, expect God’s provision and blessings to hunt you down and surround you! Expect good things to happen to you. Say, “Father, I thank You that Your blessings crown my head. Your bountiful provisions are upon me and my household!”
Beloved, the more you begin to believe and speak words of abundance, provision and increase, the more you will experience the blessings of the righteous!
Whenever you find a promise or blessing for the righteous in the Bible, grab hold of it by saying, “Father, I receive this blessing in Jesus’ name!”
For example, when you read in Proverbs 10:6 that blessings are on the head of the righteous, say, “Thank You, Father, this promise is for ME because I have been made righteous through faith in Jesus and His finished work!”
So every day, instead of fearing that lack will devour you, expect God’s provision and blessings to hunt you down and surround you! Expect good things to happen to you. Say, “Father, I thank You that Your blessings crown my head. Your bountiful provisions are upon me and my household!”
Beloved, the more you begin to believe and speak words of abundance, provision and increase, the more you will experience the blessings of the righteous!
God's timing is perfect. My dear friend Megan and I made plans this past Fall to co-lead another bible study at our church. The topic we chose was Faith & Fear and we decided to begin the study in January. He knew I would struggle with fear and that I would need to keep my eyes fixed on Him. He truly knows exactly what we need when we need it, long before we do.
I attended the IF Gathering conference this weekend and my favorite message came from Lysa Terkeurst. "Keep your eyes fixed on the master because the master can see things that you cannot see." AMEN!
God spoke. My arms are open and I receive this beautiful gift. Will I continue to struggle with thoughts of doubt and fear? Probably. Will I praise Him in the process and celebrate this life He is forming within me? Absolutely. He is a good, good father and He is worthy of my trust.
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