This Side of Heaven

Some days it honestly feels like my pregnancy was a dream. Life continues to go on even when our world came to a screeching halt on the afternoon of Thursday, February 23rd. Back to work and regular routines in no time, which is hard but helpful, and life goes on almost as if we were never even expecting a baby. Plans have shifted, conversation has changed, and perspective is clearer. What once felt important no longer matters and time feels more precious than it did before.

Announcing Our New Addition

This is not the way we planned on sharing the news with you. Instead our worst fear is now our devastating reality. We were saying goodbye before we were able to say hello. And my goodness is it painful. For 19 weeks and 4 days, a little one was nurtured and carried by my body. Part of me. Part of us. This little life was celebrated, anticipated, and loved more than one could imagine. A tiny person. A human life.

We are proud to introduce our baby BOY! 

CHRISTIAN LOUIE HJELLE 

We were surprised to learn that God brought another boy to our family. But then again boys are what we know. It's what we do. I have worn the title of #boymom proudly for 10+ years. Christian was supposed to be our rainbow baby...the blessing we never expected. Our rainbow after the storm. His life was placed into God's hands before it existed and entrusted into His care even when our hearts felt heavy with worry. We wish things would be different and that he could still be here with us.

#boymom

From an earthly perspective, we are a family of four. In the reality of eternity, we are a family of SEVEN! We anticipate the day when we are all together in the presence of God. Nate, myself, Gavin, Breck and the THREE that await us in Heaven; Harley, Ollie, and Christian. Oh what a glorious day!

Artwork by Gavin 

But today our hearts ache for what would have been. What was supposed to be. How our lives would have changed. Who this little one would've been.

Once we learned the baby's gender, we were eager to find the perfect name for our little boy. The list of 15 names that were stored in my notes app didn't seem to fit. We googled biblical names because we wanted something meaningful. Breck suggested Vixen and Donner and brought some much needed laughter to a serious family meeting. We voted on 2 names (non reindeer names) which resulted in a tie. We decided that we all needed to agree so we tabled the conversation. After a long hard "think" Breck's little voice suggested from the back seat of the car, "What about Christian?" I felt peace and immediate relief; it felt perfect. It was the coolest moment and as if God whispered the name into his little ear. Gavin liked it because "that's what we are" and Dad was impressed with his deviation from reindeer names and was totally on board. We looked up the meaning of his name and found "Follower of Christ." It is truly our relationship with Christ and our eternal hope that will bring us through this loss. His first name was confirmed but he still needed a middle name. When we considered names earlier in my pregnancy, I knew that I would want a boy's middle name to begin with "L" like the rest of the boys in our family and I still felt that way. We chose Louie because it's a meaningful family name. Christian Louie it was. It is.

We were blessed to be able to see our little boy grow through an ultrasound screen throughout our pregnancy.

November 28 {7 weeks} We fell in love with someone we've never met who was still our little secret and his little heart was beating at  a beautiful 165bpm. Thank you, Lord!

December 23 {11 weeks} He was growing fast and had a strong heart rate of 168bpm and we would tell his brothers about him the next day. What a sweet day that was.

January 25 {15 weeks} Our doctor offered to do an ultrasound to calm a very anxious mama's heart. As she reviewed him on the screen, she told us that our baby was beautiful and everything looked perfect. 159 strong bpm. I clung to those words as the next four weeks went by. Even Grandma got to meet him via screen that day.

February 23 {19 weeks/4 days} He was still. No bpm to measure. No signs to notify us that he was gone or why we had lost him. He was already safely tucked into the arms of Jesus. And this was the day our hearts broke in half and our family was changed forever.

We are still searching for why and we realize we may never fully understand on this side of Heaven. We lean harder into God's promises than we did yesterday and trust him with His perfect plans for our family. Some days are harder than others and the pain feels too familiar, but we rest in what we know to be true...

"But if not, he is still good." (Daniel 3:18)

~ Forever Changed ~

Thank you for loving our family and our little boy.

 For celebrating his life. And for mourning our loss. 

God bless you.