A New, New Normal

After a long, emotional week, I’m taking a deep breath. I survived. I made it.

Let me rephrase that. We survived. We made it.

Life is hard. The road is bumpy and we find ourselves traveling down a windy road with many unexpected turns. In our case, our reproductive years have been challenging and have brought a large amount of pain and hardship. At the same time, these years have also brought unexpected joy, fulfillment of desires, answered prayers, and the two beautiful boys we have the privilege of parenting on earth. The funny thing is, I’m thankful for it all; the good and the bad. It’s through all of these years that God has shown himself to me, drawn me nearer to Him, challenged me to trust Him more, and increased my longing for eternal life with our ENTIRE family.

[beyond grateful for these two]

I have learned that God’s plans often look different than mine, such as the case of what would have been our scheduled delivery of our sweet baby boy this week. It’s painful to know that our summer looks much different than we expected it to look. Not only our summer, but the new normal we were expecting and anticipating with the arrival of a new baby.

But instead of laundering tiny newborn onesies; I pack away maternity clothes that were worn a handful of times.

But instead of a juggling prenatal appointments; I schedule follow-up procedures, exams, and counseling appointments to deal with the pain and the aftermath of his short life.

But instead of a newborn photo session; I cherish his last active ultrasound that sits in a frame next to our family photo.

But instead of assembling a crib and decorating a nursery; I close the door to a bedroom that sits in disarray waiting for a purpose.

But instead of a birth announcement; I plant a tree in his memory and pray that it lives, grows, and is full of life.

But instead of introducing him to his big brothers; I answer their questions about Heaven and reassure them that God is worthy of our trust.

But instead of sleepless nights caring for a newborn; I spend many nights in tears processing my grief.

Despite these painful realities, we are starting to see God working. He is mending hearts, healing broken souls, restoring relationships, speaking to us through others, and most of all giving us HOPE. This week felt more like hope than heartache and that was a gift from our Heavenly Father.

Christian Louie, my heart is sad that I’m not holding you in my arms this week. That I don’t get to hear your dad’s voice announce that we have another Hjelle boy (crazy!) or watch your big brothers swoon over you as you become the center of their world. But I’m thankful for your life, although short, it had purpose and meaning. You were loved from the moment we learned of your existence and you will be loved for all of eternity. Love you, Mommy XOXO