Capturing the Joy

I decided to share our story. I wanted to share the joy that we experienced this year, even in the midst of heartache. This is another chapter to the beautiful story that God has chosen for us. This is my heart. 

January 2014

For a number of days, I suspected a pregnancy. I even shared some text messages with my bestie about my suspicion and for some reason, I was hesitant to tell share the possibility with Nate. Looking back I know that's probably because he wouldn't allow me to speculate, but would require me to find out :) And at that point, I wasn't sure I was ready to receive another negative test result after years of dealing with infertility. On the other hand, I wasn't sure I was ready for it to be positive either.

February 2014

On Sunday, February 2nd our little family headed over to one of our local restaurants after church. Over lunch, I sprung the news on Nate. Actually I told him that there was a possibility that I might be pregnant but I hadn't confirmed it yet. His eyes were huge and he quickly devoured his lunch. We hurried home so I could "pee on the stick." I made him go into the bathroom to check the results because I was being stubborn. He lured me in there by asking me which end he should be looking at and what he was supposed to do with the purple thing...I stomped in there telling him there wasn't anything purple on it, only to find him with a huge smile on his face. We were both in shock. We took some deep breaths, giggled, and then quickly started dreaming about what life with a new baby would be like.



The results were in...

That carried on for the next several weeks. I was feeling very pregnant. Tired and nauseous, mostly. Nate would probably add irritable to that list. I made an appointment with our family doctor on February 5th to confirm everything. She also monitored my HCG and progesterone levels over the course of a few days to ensure things were moving in the right direction. The HCG levels had doubled and the progesterone levels were also going up, although they were a bit on the low side of normal. My doctor and I decided it wouldn't hurt to take some progesterone supplements to help nurture the pregnancy. I took those through 10 weeks gestation.

Spiritually, I was feeling overwhelmed by God's goodness. Just one short year prior, I was dealing with the loss of a baby through miscarriage around 6 week's gestation. In fact, when I learned that the due date for this little one was October 4th, I wept. You see, that's the exact date in 2013 we were expecting a baby. This little one felt "meant to be" and a reminder that God knows the desires of our heart and that He is faithful. Many times I stated that I was "cautiously optimistic" about this pregnancy. I was trying not to be fearful and to trust in God's plan but many times my mind slipped back to worry and concern because of what had happened last year. It just felt too good to be true. I openly declared to Nate "I don't feel like doing hard things this year." I trusted God but was weary from last year's loss.

How did God so masterfully plan these due dates to align to the very day only one year apart?!

Some of my dearest friends had bought me this necklace when I shared my miscarriage with them last year. It reads "God has you in His arms, I have you in my heart." Ironically, one of those friends had lost this gift in the glove compartment of her car. She found it and delivered it to me just days before I found out I was pregnant. Even though she was shamefully embarrassed that she was delinquent by one whole year, the message of the necklace turned out to be applicable a year later as well, and perhaps delivered at the most perfect time.

A gift to my heart

On Friday, February 14th, Nate and I were able to peak at the little life that was forming in my womb. We were able to see the little heart beating and we were on cloud nine and once again amazed by the graciousness of our Creator. It was a sweet Valentine's Day gift to our souls and it was starting to feel SO real!

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

Psalm 139:13-14

March 2014

The next several weeks were more of the same. Hesitant to get too excited and cautiously planning and preparing for all that we needed to do before this little one arrived. On Wednesday, March 12th, I visited our family doctor for my very first prenatal appointment. We determined that all was well and she sent me to the lab for my routine prenatal blood profile. We had decided that we were going to share the big news with our boys and families over the weekend.

The bag that makes everything "feel" official!

On Friday, March 14th, I received a call from my doctor on telling me that my blood work came back and I had tested positive for an antibody called the E Antigen. I burst into tears without knowing much about what this would mean for our little one. I headed to the clinic for a follow-up blood test that would measure the "titre" or level of Antigen that was in my blood. The results would take 5-7 days to receive. Nate also had to have his blood tested. I did some research but didn't find a lot of information. Basically what this meant is that if my baby had the EE blood type, (50/50 chance based on Nate's results) my body could start attacking the baby's blood cells, causing anemia and other life threatening issues. The titre level would have to be pretty high to cause major concern. So we waited...and we prayed, yet we trusted. 

Nate and I were feeling heartbroken and scared and we were torn about whether or not we should share the news that weekend. After prayerful consideration, we decided that we would tell the boys Saturday morning. We really needed to share this news to create some excitement and to get the support of our families as we waited for the additional blood results to come back. I came across some safety pins on the Internet when researching "creative ways to announce your pregnancy." I immediately knew it would be the perfect way to communicate our big news :) 

Hjelle, Party of  FIVE (plus 1 waiting in Heaven)

Sharing the news with the boys was one of the sweetest moments I have captured in my heart. One of my friends requested that I record it and I'm so happy I did. Here's how it went...

You should really consider watching it one more time to capture the look on Gavin's face when he figures it out. You may want to give it another look to focus on what Breck is doing and saying too. He gets a pretty big kick out of himself when he watches it :) We have watched it many times as a family and had some pretty good belly laughs!

  

The boys were pretty pumped and immediately joined in on the planning and dreaming about a new baby brother or sister in the house. They would pray for the baby every night and smooch my tummy all the time. Gavin had overheard us talking about the blood issues and one night during supper, his prayer was to keep the baby safe from the blood surgeries (although no surgeries had been discussed, that is what he took away from it). It was such a tender request! Gavin declared that it was a little girl. Breck said it was a boy but called the baby a "she" or said "her" every time. It was the sweetest. Breck would talk about how big he was and how little the baby would be and that the baby couldn't do stuff he could.

We teased Gavin about changing diapers. Gavin coached Breck about what it would look like to be a big brother. Breck wondered where the baby would sit at the supper table and in the car. Breck said he would share his blankies (his most precious possessions) and cover the baby's little toes so they wouldn't get cold. Gavin knew that the baby's arrival would be planned within days of his birthday (September 14th) and told me that he didn't need any presents this year because we were getting a baby. It was those moments that I was feeling so very blessed. Before we knew it, the baby was a member of our family that was involved in daily discussion. My heart was melted by all of this love. My mommy love cup had literally runneth over...I dreamt about the day that the boys would meet their little brother or sister proudly wearing their new t-shirts. I also dreamt about seeing a sweet little baby in the arms of my handsome husband. A new baby has always looked so good on him.

Biggest Brother and Big Brother

Our families were very excited by the news as well. In fact, I think we may have shocked a few of them :) It was fun to share the news but disappointing to have to follow up with the possibility of complications. We continued to trust until we learned the results the following week.

Oh and by the way, my sister sprung one on us when we shared the news with her and her family. Her response was, "Oh really!? When are you guys due?" with the weirdest smirk on her face. Nate had actually called it on the way over there. He said these very words out loud, "Just watch, we'll tell your sister and Robbie that we're pregnant and they'll tell us they are too!" Well, he aced that one :) After learning their news, my prayer was simply that we would both have healthy and beautiful babies in our arms this fall. She was due at the end of October - just about 3 weeks behind me, although the deliveries would be about 6 weeks apart. I just wanted everything to turn out "okay" for both of us more than anything.

The next week we learned that my E Antigen (titre) levels were extremely low. We were literally praising God with this news. We were referred to a Perianatologist in St. Cloud whom we visited on Thursday, March 27th. We learned more about what this E Antigen could mean for our baby but were also reassured with the doctor's words, "I really don't anticipate this being a problem for your pregnancy with your levels so low. I don't expect to see you guys back here." We left with our shoulders feeling a lot lighter and orders to have the levels checked every four weeks for the duration of the pregnancy.

The next several weeks were spent planning. We had started finishing our basement to ensure that everyone would have their own rooms and to create some extra space before the baby came. Nate was definitely feeling the pressure to move the project along! We shopped for a bigger vehicle and determined that a Suburban was a necessity for a growing family with one little hockey player and the potential for more. We talked about names for the baby and immediately "locked in" on one for a little girl. Girl names always came easy for us (of course)! Gavin really liked the name Beau for a boy but we were left undecided. Although Nate and I were both itching to know the baby's gender, we decided we would not find out. We loved having that surprise with both of the boys and looked forward to having another one at our very planned c-section delivery at 37 weeks. The boys and I had already sort of given the baby a nickname. They love the Gossie and Friends books by Olivier Dunrea. They would lovingly fight over who was Gossie and who was Gertie. When we read the book, "Ollie" about a little duck who wouldn't hatch from his egg, Breck would say, "That's just like the baby! It won't come out!" Ollie it was :)

April 2014

On April 9th, we learned that my titre levels had not changed. Again, we were SO very thankful for that news. I had already been feeling the tiny flutters of this little one and was in love with a little person I had never even met. 

A few days later, my dear sister had a confirmed miscarriage. My heart was broken for her. I was SO excited that we were finally pregnant at the same time, and that these babies would be so close in age...and that our maternity leaves would actually overlap a little. I struggled with the idea that I would hold my baby and she would not. That my pregnancy continued, and that she was in pain. Nobody wants to see their family members suffer. 

On Friday, April 25th, at exactly 17 weeks gestation, I had a prenatal appointment scheduled. A few days before that, I remember Gavin kissing my tummy and saying to the baby, "I can't wait to meet you someday." The fact that he said "someday" instead of his normal countdown like "in four more months" had bothered me but I didn't say anything. I hadn't been feeling well for over a week and had ZERO energy. The night before my appointment, I became very anxious. We had a very busy week and I couldn't remember the last time I had felt any flutters. Breck had joined me in my bed after a bit of a meltdown and I watched him sleep. I tossed and turned trying so hard to feel movement. Tears ran down my cheeks as I prayed, "Lord, if you have to take one of them, I would rather have it be the one that I never held in my arms." I knew. I just knew.

The next morning was our usual rush out the door so I never shared my concerns with Nate. Part of me felt like I was being ridiculous. Right before I left work to head to my appointment, I packed my stuff up thinking that I wanted to make it as easy as possible for someone to grab my things in the event that I wasn't able to get back to work that day. Although I had those thoughts, I prayed on my way there and was extremely calm during my appointment. We discussed my recent titrelevel results and the guidance from the Periantologist, my transition to the OBGYN, the fetal testing options, the 20 week ultrasound, the scheduled c-section, and several other details before the doctor got the doppler to listen to the heartbeat. She struggled for nearly ten minutes, which felt like an eternity, before she went and got the ultrasound machine. When she left the room, I knew what was coming. The words, "I'm so sorry. It doesn't look like this little one has a heartbeat" confirmed my suspicions and intutions. Those words changed our entire world that day and I began to face the "hard things" that I had so deeply dreaded just a few months ago.

Fixing our eyes on Him

We know that God is good. We know that this baby was not a mistake and that this miscarriage was not a surprise to Him. And knowing that we have two little babies safely snuggled in the arms of Jesus that we will meet one day is so comforting. That is what keeps me going, along with the two wonderful boys I am blessed to hold in my arms today. Oh, and my husband is pretty awesome too. He should earn an honoray LPN licence just for taking care of me with all that I have endured medically over the past six years during our childbearing struggles. 

We trust that He makes all things work together for our good. So although we are sad and heartbroken, we wait with great anticipation to see what He has in store for us. I trust that it is good. 

I wanted to keep this post more focused on the joy so I intend to post more about the days that followed. Thank you for reading our story.