Just for a Moment...

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

Proverbs 3:5

2013 has been somewhat of a whirlwind; from moving, changes in daycare, multiple business trips, and more. It's been hard to catch our breath. And then something else happened. Another event. One where you didn't wake up to find out that it was only a bad dream. Something very real that lots of couples experience but never really talk about...

During my trip to Florida, I suspected a possible pregnancy but blamed the lack of energy and nausea on stress. Lord knows there was plenty of that right before closing on our new home. I couldn't remember where I was at in my cycle. I hadn't been keeping track  so I calculated every which way I could to determine if I was late but ultimately I knew I was and then Nate finally asked. He had been wondering the same thing. My cycle is like clock-work and I was estimating that I was already 5+ days late. I had all the classic symptoms so I headed to Target after work to pick up a test.

I really didn't want to take the test. Although I felt like there was a high possibility that I was pregnant, I didn't even want to go down that road until I knew for sure. I worried that it would just be another negative pregnancy test in the books for us. I was also a little worried that it may actually be positive. I mean we hadn't been planning this and what a surprise it would be! So I peed on the stick and then I put the boys to bed and went about my business doing everything I could to avoid the result. I would guess that most people cannot stand the anticipation and the three minute wait before the result appears...that was not me. About an hour later, Nate forced me to go with him to see what it said. When I saw the word, "PREGNANT" on the stick, I just about passed out. My only reaction was "oh boy!" It took at least one whole day for it to sink in. But it all happened just as I hoped it would - when we least expected it, didn't have to plan it, and didn't even talk about it. A big surprise and blessing delivered to our doorstep from God himself.

Only for a moment...

For a moment, we wondered if we would finally be able to use "our girl name" that we've secretly kept for all these years...

For a moment, I wondered if this was God answering my little boy's prayers about wanting another baby...

For a moment, I wondered if my endless supply of boys clothes would be put through another round of good use...

For a moment, we were figuring out when and how we would announce the news to our family and friends...

For a moment, I wondered how things would be handled at work during my maternity leave...

For a moment, finishing the basement and getting the boys' rooms set up downstairs was an urgent priority...

For a moment, I envisioned the best big brother in the whole world becoming a big brother again...

For a moment, I dreamt about "my baby" becoming a big brother for the very first time...

For a moment, I pictured my husband snuggling another baby...

For a moment, I couldn't believe that God was blessing me another opportunity to bear a child after all those years of infertility...

For a moment, I wondered what we would do for daycare arrangements...

For a moment, I wondered if a new vehicle was in order for us (3 kids in the Mountaineer might get a little cramped)...

For a moment, I teased Nate that we could be expecting twins (an instant rise in his blood pressure)...

For a moment, we calculated my due date and I called the clinic to set up my first visit...

For a moment, I worried about what color to paint the "baby's room"...

For a moment, Nate and I enjoyed sharing a secret that we didn't share with anyone else...

For a moment, I dreamt about holding another baby in my arms at the hospital, waiting for the big brothers to arrive so they could meet their little brother or sister for the very first time...

For a moment, we discussed if we would find out the baby's gender (We didn't for the boys. I voted no and Nate voted yes)...

For a moment, I thought about the hand-stamped necklace with the boy's names on it that I just received for my Birthday and how I would need to add another charm...

For a moment, I dreamt about the new little person on this year's Christmas card...

And it felt like only moments later when I was on the phone with the nurse concerned about how much I was bleeding. And moments after that, I sat in the doctor's office with painful cramping, and moments after that I was at the hospital getting blood drawn and receiving the confirmation that it was indeed a miscarriage.

In moments, my dreams were shattered. From the moment, I saw those words on the pregnancy test, it was a baby. And now, I had to say goodbye to someone I've never even held. I didn't know how to begin to process those feelings.

At first, I didn't even know it affected me, I was completely numb. The physical pain was so excruciating that I couldn't even find my emotions. Then sadness overcame me, and finally the anger. I didn't understand why this even had to happen. I would have rather never been able to conceive again rather than to have something given to me and taken away before I could even receive the gift. I just didn't understand. And, honestly, I still don't. But I'm still trusting God. And knowing that I have a baby up in Heaven waiting for me is unbelievably comforting.

I've learned that life goes on even when your world completely stops. I've been reminded that I need to trust in God's plans and His timing. And I've learned that even when you have a very strong marriage, God will find ways to make it even stronger, even if when it feels like the opposite is happening at first. Yes, I'm still mourning the loss and I'm still wondering what the future holds. But ultimately I know who holds the future and that's what matters.

It's hard to know what to say to someone when they're experiencing a miscarriage. We only shared the news with some of our family members and a few close friends but here are some of the most comforting things that were said to us:

• "I'm so sorry for your loss."
• "My heart aches for your pain."
• "Your family is in my prayers."
• "Chin up beautiful, I know our Creator has great plans for your family."
• "I'm so sorry to hear this."
• "I've been through it too and it stinks but let yourself mourn."
• "We are here to lift you up and remind you of how your Father has a plan for all of this."
• "You are loved, very loved."

The not-so-comforting things that were said to us:

• "It just wasn't good timing." 
• "There was something wrong with the baby."
• "At least it happened early in your pregnancy."
• "It doesn't mean you can't have any more kids."

I could elaborate on why these words provided or didn't provide comfort but I think after you read this post, you'll probably get the idea.
I found this article shortly after I found this article. It was so comforting to hear another woman describe exactly what I was feeling.
Suffering in Silence - How one Woman Coped with her Miscarriage

These words spoke to my heart, "Because the only thing worse than losing something that meant the world to you is pretending that you lost nothing."

Literally two weeks before this happened to me, these words came out of my mouth in a conversation with Nate about one of his coworkers, "I've never had a miscarriage so I can't relate to that but I do know what it feels like to want a baby in the worst way." Well now I can relate and I want to reach out to those that are hurting. If you have endured the loss of a miscarriage, I'm truly sorry.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28

This post wasn't created to solicit sympathy. Writing out my thoughts is therapeutic for me and my hope is that by sharing my story, I can help someone else struggling with the same thing.