Our Journey

I've been thinking a lot about where we've been on our journey with secondary infertility. I've also been pondering the reasons for us being sent down this path. What was the purpose? Although that answer may never fully be revealed, I know that it has changed me forever. It has changed my heart and my character and I know that I will never forget how it feels to be down that road. Someday I hope that our story will help someone, or lots of someones for that matter. So I'm putting myself "out there" and have decided to share our journey that I documented and all the emotions it carried.

And so it began...

September 2007: We celebrate the first birthday of our sweet little boy, Gavin. What a bittersweet thing for a mother to do. A whole year has now past since she gave birth to her precious baby. Of course, thoughts of baby #2 started entering my mind immediately. After all, I had finally gotten my body back after nursing him for nearly 10 months and things were starting to regulate. Not only that but but we didn't have the easiest time with Mr. G-man. He suffered with severe colic (no, not just a fussy baby) for nearly 7 months. He didn't sleep through the night until he was almost 8 months old. But I still had the desire to have another, even if it meant going through all of that all over again. In a way I felt like I didn't even get to enjoy my baby and now he was entering the stages of toddler hood.

October 2007:
Anytime you are "thinking" or "dreaming" about having a baby, it always makes the desire a little more intense when you learn that a couple close to you is expecting. We were thrilled to learn that Nate's brother and wife were expecting our sweet little niece, Eva. This news triggered a mild conversation about how we might want to start "trying" for baby #2. Emphasis on mild...we were both still exhausted from the intense colic that was now behind us. This was also the month that I began tracking my cycles on the calendar in my checkbook registry just so I would be aware of any special timing that needed to take place. I guess I was hoping that things would just "happen" and we wouldn't have to figure out when we were able to afford the double day-care or diaper expenses.

November 2007-May 2008:
Nothing was happening and I was starting to get frustrated. I had so desired to have children close in age and a 2nd Birthday for my little man was creeping up on us. I was convinced that the perfect age gap between children was 2 years (more on that later) and I felt like we totally missed the target. Nate and I had that serious conversation in May and officially declared that we were trying for baby #2. This is more of the point where our journey actually begins.

May 2008-October 2008:
Months of "official" trying had taken place. Our little boy's 2nd Birthday had come and gone. Panic was setting in and frustration levels were rising. It seemed like everyone we knew with a 2 year old was pregnant with their second, and some had already given birth to number two! I was starting to seek the advice of others and what worked for them. At this point, I didn't care what it took, I just wanted another baby!

November 2008:
I made an appointment with the new OBGYN at our clinic. I brought her up to speed on our situation and desperately awaited for her to prescribe me with the some sort of magic pregnancy pill. She wrote the prescription and I trotted off to the pharmacy to get it filled. I had strict orders to keep track of everything-my period, sex, and ovulation for the next six months. Easy enough, I thought...

November 2008-May 2009:
6 full cycles of chlomid and lots and lots of hormones. That pill made me crazy, I swear I had every side effect there was! It was during this point in time where I hit my all time low. Devastation kicked in. I didn't like who I was and I didn't like what I was feeling. There was so much hurt in my heart and it all turned to anger. Anger is an ugly beast. When you are angry, you don't care about anyone or anything. You feel so alone. This is where our marriage really took a beating. There were so many emotions and so much misunderstanding. During this time I also started experiencing a lot more trouble with my cycles-very heavy and irregular bleeding, irregular ovulation, lots of pelvic pressure, and the constant feeling of a yeast infection.

A good friend of mine asked me my what my plans were after my last cycle of chlomid, I told her I had enough and was taking the summer off...or so I thought.

June 18, 2009:
I decided that I needed to go in for my annual physical. I made the appointment with a wonderful nurse practitioner that I saw prior to becoming pregnant with Gavin. She was the one that listened to me and ordered the ultrasounds that discovered my "small cyst" (2.5cm) prior to conceiving Gavin. I knew she would listen...and she did.

I had my normal pap smear and all the other fun stuff. Just as she was writing me off for a clean bill of health, I stopped her. I told her about my desire to get pregnant, the chlomid, the heavy and irregular bleeding, etc. She looked back through my chart (It still annoys me that the OBGYN didn't do this) and reviewed the notes from the old ultrasounds and my c-section. She decided that it would be best just to make sure everything was still okay down there.

July 19, 2010:
I went back to the clinic the next day for an ultrasound. I was nervous but didn't expect to get a call the next week with the bad news. The "cyst" had grown. It was now measuring at 5.5cm. The Nurse Practitioner had consulted with the OBGYN (yes, the same one who never looked at my chart and prescribed the "quick fix" to get me out of her office) and determined that I should have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) to ensure that the "cyst" wasn't blocking either of my fallopian tubes. Although scared, I was happy to be pressing ahead.

July 7, 2009:
The day of the HSG procedure. I remember crying (more like bawling) to Nate the night before. I was so nervous and told him that I didn't know what I would do if we found out something was wrong. I didn't actually think that anything would be, but I was scared. The pain involved with the procedure was a cinch compared to the pain we dealt with afterwards. When they inserted the second syringe of dye, I knew it wasn't good. They had me shift in all different positions and finally shut the equipment off and started cleaning up. Nobody was looking at me. Finally the doctor said, "The result indicates that there is blockage in both fallopian tubes and that your uterus is rather large." I quickly responded, "And what exactly does that mean?" Her response to me STILL floors me, "You would need to do IVF to get pregnant." I immediately broke into tears. You know the kind where you can barely catch your breath because you are crying so hard. I went to get changed back into my clothes and out of sympathy for us the doctor suggested that we drive back over to the clinic so she could review my chart (it's about time). And so we did.

 I had so many questions; Why are they blocked and when and how did they become blocked? Does the 5.5 cm cyst have anything to do with it? Why is my uterus so large? Can the tubes be unblocked? In a nutshell, she couldn't answer any of my questions. She explained that I would need to have the "cyst" removed before I could have IVF to help the success rate. She said that she could perform the surgery and went on to explain the risks. Then she handed me a folder for Midwest Center Reproductive Health (MCRH). She was referring me to a Fertility Specialist as if she didn't want to deal with us any longer.

I left the clinic feeling so scared and so defeated and soooo confused. Nate and I both cried the whole way to work and my tears didn't stop the entire day. I was mortified. My worst fear was actually happening. Nate convinced me to call MCRH to make an appointment the next day. We really needed some answers.

July 14, 2009:
Exactly one week later, we found ourselves sitting in the waiting room at MCRH in Maple Grove. I spent the entire week completing forms and requesting medical records. I wasn't scared for this appointment, I knew we had already heard the bad news and we would hopefully leave this appointment with some hope. And that we did. We met this incredible doctor whose first words to us when he walked in were, "I don't think your tubes are actually blocked." Immediate relief. He went on to map out a full plan to get us pregnant; that was his ultimate goal after all. After we walked through our plan he decided that he needed to know more about this "cyst." He performed another ultrasound in the next room and discovered that it actually measured 8.5cm and defined it as a "huge fibroid that needs to be removed immediately." He explained that the fibroid was distorting my uterus and couldn't believe that I had been dealing with the associated pain for so long.

Dr. Corfman had already gained my respect from the action he took and the answers he provided within the first 30 minutes that we met him. But his next words tell you what kind of doctor he is. He told me, "I can perform the surgery and I am confident in doing so, but if you were my daughter, I'd send you to Dr. Nielson." Dr. Nielson, it was. More paperwork followed and his final words were, "I do believe that this fibroid is the red herring behind your infertility." Answers felt good and there was a little ray of hope shining through.

July 20, 2010:
Dr. Corfman was going to place a call over to Dr. Nielson to explain my situation and Dr. Nielson's office was to call us and set up an appointment. Well, we didn't wait for the call. I called them and set up and appointment and less then one week later we were sitting in the waiting room of Oakdale OBGYN in Maple Grove. It was funny because the phone call between the two doctors took place about 10 minutes before we arrived. It pays to be assertive when it comes to your health care. The appointment with Dr. Nielson was a little scary. He told it how it was and didn't sugarcoat the fact that my situation was super complex. He told me that even if he could successfully remove the fibroid, that implantation could be difficult. No guarantees were made whatsoever. He ordered an MRI for surgical mapping so he could determine the exact location and make-up of the fibroid. After we left that brief 15 minute appointment, I was feeling really uneasy.

July 24, 2009:
And back to the Cities we went. When we were about 15 miles away from the clinic, I received a phone call on my cell phone informing me that the MRI machine in Maple Grove was down and it wasn't likely to be fixed until the following week. What?!?! I explained to the woman on the other end of the phone that we had driven all this way and fortunately she was able to find an opening at the hospital for that same morning. And so we headed to Robbinsdale.

That was my very first MRI experience. It was terrifying. I am somewhat claustrophobic so I wasn't able to open my eyes at all. I do admit I took a small peak but it was followed by lots of deep breaths and a vow to myself that I wouldn't open them again until it was over. I requested some music to listen to but it didn't do me any good because I could barley hear it. Instead I listened to the sound of a huge jack hammer for the next 45 minutes or so. My mind was going crazy as I sat there and wondered what the outcome would be...what if this, what if that?

Afterwards, the nice technician asked me how long I had the fibroid, making me feel like something wasn't right. Luckily we were meeting with Dr. Nielson later that day so I didn't have too long to worry about it because I would soon know for myself. Nate and I grabbed some lunch and then headed back to the clinic to find out the results. I don't think I have ever been so nervous in my life. I could hear the casual side conversations of the staff and when someone gasped, I just knew it had to be about me. Can you say paranoid?

Finally we were called back to the room. When the doctor came in, he looked baffled. He couldn't believe what the MRI revealed. The fibroid was in a different position than originally thought. It wasn't distorting my uterus to the degree that the ultrasound indicated. This now opened the door for less evasive surgical alternatives and also gave us more hope for greater likelihood of achieving a pregnancy. One might argue that the MRI is much more accurate but I am convinced that a miracle occurred. In fact, a couple of days prior, the amount of pressure I had been feeling in my abdomen had decreased and things just felt "different." Thank you, Jesus!

July 29, 2009-September 10, 2009:
On July 29th, I received a phone call from Dr. Nielson. He decided that he would proceed with the laproscopic myomectomy with robotic assistance. I was happy about that because it meant that I didn't have to have the abdominal myomectomy where they make a c-section cut across the abdomen, which would result in a faster recovery. The hospital scheduling center called me that same afternoon. The robot is a hot commodity so scheduling surgery around it is pretty tight. I had two choices, September 11th or September 17th. Of course, Gavin's Birthday happens to fall on the 14th so I felt torn. I couldn't believe those were my first and only choices, so ultimately I opted to have it done as soon as possible.

Those were the longest 44 days of my life...so many emotions but mainly just scared to death. I remember feeling so alone and so isolated. This was a huge deal for me; my fertility was on the line. My ability to grow our family was wavering on the outcome of this surgery.

September 11, 2009:
Surgery Day. I was just so happy this day was finally here. I had spent so much time hashing through the way things might turn out. I went into the surgery so ready to have this behind us. Nate commented later on how he couldn't believe how calm I was that morning. The power of prayer is truly amazing! More details regarding the surgery can be found here or here.

October 1, 2009:
It had been three weeks since surgery and it was time for my post-op check up with Dr. Nielson. This was the first time I had visited with him since my surgery. Since it took longer than expected, he took off shortly after to make his afternoon appointments and I was under the care of one of his partners for the duration on my hospital stay. He first shared the results of the pathology report-nothing was cancerous! Another huge relief. He shared with me that at one point during the surgery he thought he could be dealing with a malignant tumor. I was glad I didn't know that until now. He basically told me that I was very lucky that it went so well...it ended up to be quite more complex than he had originally thought. I was also given some lovely "before" and "after" pictures of the inside of my uterus...don't worry I'm not including them in this post!

November 11, 2009:
Back to Maple Grove for a follow-up ultrasound. More waiting was involved as I didn't receive the results until the following week. The ultrasound showed a good result with a normal endometrial thickness and no fibroid present. The contour of my uterus and the muscle density was also normal. Praise the Lord! Dr. Nielson suggested that we wait to begin trying until February. He also recommended that we repeat the HSG about 4-6 months post-surgery to make sure all was still clear. I was so relieved that everything was going in the right direction. At this point, we hadn't received any bad news since we found out the diagnosis in July. I was confident that we would be able to achieve a pregnancy within a few months of trying. I found the next few months of waiting to begin quite a relief. It had been the first time in nearly two years that I didn't have to think about my fertility or trying to conceive...a much needed break for both Nate and I.

November 18, 2009:
I needed to find a new OBGYN that I could bring up to speed and have on the same page with us as we continued our pursuit of pregnancy. Not only did I find a new OBGYN, I found the perfect one! During my first visit, I spent over an hour in her office. She listened to my story, reviewed over 100 pages of medical records, drew up a step-by-step plan for us, and empathized with me regarding all the emotions I was feeling. She had actually been down the same road as us and is now a mother to two very beautiful twin daughters. I was feeling very confident with her as a new member on our "team."

December 18, 2009:
It was now Nate's turn to be put in the spotlight. One of the things that Dr. Corfman suggested was for Nate to have a semen analysis. We would need this information to move forward with any fertility treatment in the future and since we had already met our deductible for the year, now was the time! For sake of my husband's pride, I won't share the complete results but one of his numbers came back slightly below average. A little concerning but not an obstacle that we couldn't overcome. After all, information is power!

January-March 2010:
We cheated and dove into things a month early. I just knew it couldn't possibly happen the very first month, so what the heck? Well it didn't happen the second or third month either and all the panic and frustration flooded right back. I decided that I needed to have the HSG done again. I needed to know if everything was still normal and if my fallopian tubes were truly open.

March 10, 2010:
I had a bad feeling about the HSG, a really bad feeling. I was happy to have my new OBGYN performing the procedure but when she was running a little late and I was already on the table, I started to panic. I couldn't relax. I actually started crying before the procedure even began. My body was tense and I hated that I was back in the same room that my whole world came tumbling down. This time, Nate and I knew what to look for. We knew what the screen would look like if the dye didn't pass through my tubes...and that's what we saw...AGAIN! This time, I had a very compassionate doctor by my side who was also in tears and her response to us was, "It will be okay. We don't need those stupid tubes to get a baby in your uterus anyway!" She also commented that the size and shape of my uterus looked "perfect." That was good news.

I was smarter this time. I actually took the day off of work. I knew I'd need the time away if we didn't get the result we were hoping for. I was glad I had this time to cry and grieve all alone. And that I did.

April 20, 2010:
And we found ourselves sitting back in Dr. Corfman's office. It just didn't feel right to give up. At this point, we didn't have much to lose. My medical records were laying on the table in our consult room. We reviewed them as we waited. I found myself very disturbed when I read my surgical records, but was glad I did. It turned out that I had a dye test, similar to the HSG, performed on me while still under anesthesia which indicated tubal patency. When Dr. Corfman came in, he immediately dove into drafting a new road map to achieve a pregnancy, at which point our next step was IVF. I interrupted him to ask what tubal patency was and pointed to the surgical report. He had actually missed that! Tubal patency meant no blocked tubes! He put a big "x" through his road map and started all over. He felt so strongly that my tubes had to be open since they were during surgery while my body was relaxed, and was convinced that my tubes must spasm during the HSG procedure which causes them to appear to be blocked. Our next step was now to start fertility drugs, injections, and follicle monitoring by ultrasound. I was a bit overwhelmed. I just wanted to know for sure. I didn't want to proceed with more expensive drugs and monitoring to find out that my tubes really are blocked. We got all the information and prescriptions to get started. Still feeling uneasy, Nate and I declared that we would start in June.

May 2010:
This month marked the official two year point. I was hurt and angry all over again. I felt defeated. I just wanted to throw my hands in the air and quit the game. I had been praying for God to take away my strong desire for another baby for months, but no avail. It was still in the depths of my heart. I was looking forward to our next step but still didn't feel that was what we were suppose to be doing right now. I didn't feel the pressure to get everything lined up and ready to go for next month. And Nate and I hadn't had a serious conversation about it since we left Dr. Corfman's office.

June 2010:
The month of June came and went and there was virtually no talk of getting things moving and/or action to get the ball rolling. Surprisingly enough, I was okay with that. For the first time in two years I felt like I needed to put my energy into the two best things that I already had, Nate and Gavin. I was tired of putting my energy into something that didn't exist and very well may never exist. I was starting to feel like I just might survive if I didn't have another child. I went through ALL of our baby stuff and weeded out quite a bit. I was getting rid of things that I wasn't in love with so it wasn't too hard. But when I started packing all of the items I was keeping, I do admit that I was a little scared that I would never be able to use these things again.

July 2010:
I found myself enjoying the life that I was given. I couldn't believe how rewarding it was when I took the time to put a conscious effort into our marriage. This was honestly the happiest I had been in quite some time. I felt content with "things." I went in for a check-up with my new OBGYN but again found myself discussing our next possible steps with fertility treatments. I also requested another ultrasound to be performed since I was approaching the one-year mark...just to  make sure everything was still checking out okay. I found out the next week that everything still looked "perfect." Once again, lots of relief.

August 2010:
And that concludes our journey with secondary infertility. It was on the 20th day of August, that we received our BFP (Big Fat Positive)! I was only five days late before my husband forced me to take a pregnancy test. Click here for more details. No expensive drugs, no injections, no follicle monitoring. Just a whole lot of God's perfect timing. We are feeling truly blessed.


If you are dealing with infertility, I’m sorry. Truly sorry. My heart aches for you and the pain you are enduring. I hope you’ll share your story and bring hope to other women in your shoes.

This is a horrible, horrible journey that not many people talk about. Talking about it for me made it just a little more bearable. If you know someone who is dealing with infertility, make an effort to listen and empathize with them. Don't provide them with all sorts of wonderful advice about what foods to eat or not to eat, to stop drinking coffee, to go on a vacation, to add their name to an adoption list, or the worst thing to say? Just relax. Not everyone gets pregnant when they "let it go."